the only reason I'm writing this is cuz I'm bored and dying and restless and the clocks of this house are allll broken and cant keep time. It's SATURDAY.. we're all going out to party and raise hell and have fun... but, I'm dying waiting for the time to say "go get ready!!!" my legs wont stop moving, my stomach is in knots, my back hurts.... I'm seriously stressing. I've been sick for like a month. First I had the flu or something then two days after I got over that I got this bronchitis or whatever.. and now I'm feeling lots better.. but am still sick... just.. well enough to go out and drink and whatever. But, I woke up early.. i guess cuz I couldnt go to sleep till 4 or so and I was afraid while I was awake that I would sleep late and wake up at 3 or something and then panic. So, I woke up way too early and now I'm pacing the floor and trying to find something to do. I need to clean out my car but I dont want to. So, I guess I'll... go write some more in my journal (my notebook) and listen to metal and smoke too many cigarettes and... thats about it. Jeez. This is so lame. My LIFE is lame. My lj is lame, my clock is lame.... my.... it's all lame.
Hmmm.. they changed the format or someshit on lj. Sweet
I havent wrote in fucking years apparently.. but, fuck it... I'm writing now. I'm about to pass out but yeah...
Today was a bad day again. I ended up having an alright night but... some of today was just fucked! People are so fucking self absorbed that they cant even see you standing right in front of them... it seems. I need to go to sleep. I thought I was going to get in a fight today. But, it turned out to be someone else... I hate this fucking place. It's too fucking thought provoking and depressing to live here... so, I'm going to stat looking for a place in Bryson or something. There is nowhere to live in Robbinsville I swear. going to sleep now
This would be the third lj entry today... after I didn't write for probably weeks. I just need to vent. I hate fighting and it seems like thats all I ever do anymore. And with my old man too. I love him so much and we fight more than we fuck. We fuck alot too lol
But, I guess it's my fault. I'm the damn psycho bitch here, right? I just want more fucking than fighting. Damn. Is that too much to ask for? I think not. I think it's a pretty fucking reasonable request/wish. But.. fuck it. I'm still happy even though I can't fuck tonight, I can't sleep tonight and I can't do anything cuz I have no money PLUS if I did have money I'd still be lonely and shit cuz Bryson City sux. (And every surrounding city) This weekend we are supposed to go to The Hanger with my uncle Victor. He was here just about all day. He got here probably around 3:00 and left at 8:00. We rode around and went and saw James at work and played on-line and talked... we talked the whole time. Or... HE talked the whole time rather. LOL
I love Morpheus. It kicks much ass.. most of the time. I need friends. I'm so fucking lonely. And YEAH, if you are reading this you're probably asking why I keep switching topics and shit... well, I'm high so deal. Who the fuck am I kidding?
I'm fucking bored though. And I need some... something good. IDK. I just wish that I had someone to talk to right now. James is asleep, ofcourse. It IS 2:30 am. What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel wierd. I probably just need sleep. I dont know but I'd like some fucking shrooms or something. I likea de shroomage!! Fuck this.
I am not worried at all... it's 10:36 and I feel completely at peace. And I know why. I have made the most incredible friend who means the world to me and he makes me so happy just talking to me. James should have been home by now.. but, i am not worried. I am happy, content and smiling. I need more of this in my life.. and I feel that my friend Domi will help me achieve this goal. Wow, I have a goal?? Anyways, yeah.. I'm very excited just to have this person in my life and I think I needed him and now that he is here.. I feel maybe there is room for good and innocence in my life. Thank you Domi. You mean the world to me for just being you
I'm sitting here waiting on James to get home. He started his new job today. And... it's all good, it's ok but I noticed a FEW very pretty girls working with him. I'm not really worried about it.. well, I guess what I mean is... I know he wouldn't cheat on me or even think about it for that matter but what if he starts thinking that they are prettier and loses interest in me... or he starts thinking they are more cool or not as fucking psycho as me??? I KNOW this is a possibility. Even though he loves me unconditionally basically.. and "wants no-one but me" and all that, and I believe him... it's just I feel I'm nothing special and he HAS to get tired of me being crazy as FUCK. I just have no self esteem.. which I know is a complete turn off and he probably gets more tired of me putting myself down more than anything. I wish I could just automatically fix all this shit with myself but I can't. If I could, I would. I would be the old me.. who had some sanity and some happiness and could just be herself. I am not her anymore though, and thats something I have to come to terms with. Until next time.. self.. this IS yourself reminding you to try to keep your fucking head up and stop writing in your lame ass lj.. to yourself... it's lame.
|» you spin me right round|
You spin me right round baby, right round....|
I like that song. It reminds me of this world right now... and how everything and everybody seems to make me feel worse everyday. AND IT'S SUPOSSE TO BE UPLIFTING.... an uplifting song like that and I immediately think of the drama that consumes my life... me and James aren't doing good, I'm miserable in everyway, I'm fucking psychotic and make everyone else miserable apparently. It's almost 4:00 am and I cant sleep. I guess I'll go try again in a few but for now I think I should vent. My chest hurts I'm so stressed out.. and my stomach is in knots. I need to do something about my life.. bu I dont know where to start. I have plans to fix up my car but... it will take some time. I plan on getting
c)window tint and decals
what else?? Fuck it. No-one cares. I need friends. I never have anyone to talk during crisis or hard times. My counselors are good for nothing, my mom.... dont get me started.. fuck that. NEW SUBJECT. SLEEP!
I'm going to bed and I'll probably lay there for an hour but it beats writing about depressing shit I guess.
Well, I guess this is a safe place to fucking babble psychotic ramblings and not feel bad about posting something fucking lame. I'm trying to fucking vent and write to feel better, to feel sane, and I can't even fucking think or function... I have no "alone time" anymore and when I try to come in here to release some of the frustration of the day and write or blog or whatever.... it's the same fucking shit. I'm not talking shit about my people but... I need time for ME.. ya know. JUST for me. And I can't get out of my fucking head. Atleast part of day wasn't fucked up. I actually found out some pretty good news.. but, yeah the bad shit following the good news kinda weighs down the good. Right now I feel paranoid, insecure and fucking... whatever else. Yeah, no fucking time for me. NO TIME NO TIME, WHO'S GOT THE TIME....|
I don't have the time for the bullshit I have to deal with everyday. It's really killing me. I think everyday survival is PTSD inducing. (Post traumatic stress disorder) And no.. I'm not over-exaggerating.. I don't think. It's that fucking hard. Fuck it. I'm done
|» Bloody Massacre|
Just a little overboard|
I take and wrap the fucking chord
And sit and ponder on life's events
And where I will be hurting next
You take the knife and run it through
I've shown a darker side because of you
Now, alone... relief yet fear..
Sinks and settles without a tear
Torturous words melt on my skin
Let the crimson massacre begin
Running away from these consistent scars
Breaking away the hearts frigid bars
I reach out to you in the darkest of times
To find your soul... as scarred as mine
|» If I could I would|
If I were to...|
Would you stay and keep me sane
If I could do...
Would you do the same
If I loved you
Could you ever love me the way I am
If I cried to you
Would you wipe the tears of sand
I am all but
what you really need
I'm all yours
But you don't want the real me
I've tried all
All my life I've wanted nothing more
Please hold me again
Before you walk out the door
If I cut...
would you bleed for only me
If I died for you
Would you even remember me
I have done nothing
Yet I still suffer everyday
Look at what you've made me
You've made me this way
|» I have become comfortably numb|
OK, just a little pin prick.. they'll be no more -=screams=- AHHHHHHH!!!!|
But you may feel a little SICK
It's all to clear to me now...
All the abuse, all the negative, all the neglect and disappointment. Day after torturous day.. I was being transformed into the monster I am now. I'm sorry.. I didn't know. I had no idea. Now I sit here with tear drenched cheeks and a knife on the floor... wondering where to go from here.
I know I hurt you. I know I hurt every one of you, just because I was made this way... but, that doesn't make any less wrong, does it?
You were right.. I do want someone to be mean to me, someone to use me, to abuse me... to keep me in my routine. I can't believe that. It can't be true. BUT.. it is isn't it?
I have become comfortably numb... in my own little shell that blocks me from the rest of the world.. just waiting for someone like you to come along and pacify me for a little while.. then the "good" wears off and I need that COLD
COLD... that you don't have.
MY PAIN WILL NEVER GO AWAY... YOU CAN'T MAKE ME HAPPY. NO-ONE CAN MAKE ME HAPPY.. AND NO YOU CAN'T TRY.